Fantasy Baseball's Rotisserie Duck - You Just Might Be a Fantasy Baseball Player

by MastersBall.com on March 20, 2014 @ 15:30:41 PDT

 

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By Don Drooker

As Hedley Lamarr (or maybe Chase Headley) once said, "My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives." So, with Spring Training upon us, and with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy:

  • Philadelphia Phillies OF Ben Revere
    SBs are coming! SBs are coming!
    If you get more excited about Evan Longoria than Eva Longoria, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If your elbow was fine but you decided to have Tommy John Surgery just to see how long the rehab takes, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you sincerely hope that Yasiel Puig buys a Prius, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If your neighbor brags about his 4x4 and you reply by saying you prefer 5x5, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you know it's d'Arnaud and not D'Arnaud, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you're walking through the woods when someone yells "Snake" and you yell back "I prefer Auction," you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you know for sure that Arruebarruena is not an island in the Caribbean, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If someone refers to a girl as a "Keeper" and you ask if she qualifies at more than one position, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If the team names "Okrent Fenokees," "Sklar Gazers," "Cary Nations" and "Pollet Burros" are familiar to you, you just might be a long-time fantasy player.
  • If you think the best thing about the Super Bowl is that it's the last football game of the season, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you know the whereabouts of Kyle Crick, Kyle Elfrink, Kyle Farnsworth and Kyle Kendrick, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you watch a movie that stars Ben Kingsley and you're motivated to check Trace Wood's Long Gandhi website, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you think the Mayo Clinic is where Jonathan spends the off-season looking at minor league video, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you think "Black Magic Woman" is only a song by the wrong Carlos Santana, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If your wife suggested you watch the Oscars and you thought about the name "Taveras," you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you've signed a petition to have Bill James' countenance added to Mt. Rushmore, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If the term "Pleskoff Prospect" is meaningful to you, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you see graffiti that says "Jesus Is The Answer" and you wonder if the question is, "Who Is Matty and Felipe's Brother?," you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you're hoping to play the part of Larry Schechter in the movie version of his book, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you believe that Wilin, Welington and Yasmani are all spelled correctly, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If the song "Ventura Highway" makes you wonder if Yordano will be sent to Triple-A, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you know that the first time Jose Abreu dives for a baseball, it will put him ahead of Bobby Abreu in that lifetime statistical category, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you are secure in the fact that Lord Zola is not a character created by J.R.R. Tolkien, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If youíre absolutely sure that the word "Florimon" is not Jamaican slang, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If your employer uses a company called ADP to process payroll and your paycheck causes you to wonder if you can get a quality closer in the top-60, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you meet someone whose child is named Jurickson and you don't think twice, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you really believe that a guy named "Scooter" will hit home runs, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you know more about Bubba Starling than you do about Clarice Starling, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you know that brothers Cesar and Maicer Izturis were born only eight months apart, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you're sure that Pete Seeger, Bob Seger, Kyle Seager and Corey Seager are all talented, you just might be a folk/rock fantasy player.
  • If you know that Jake Odorizzi and Rougned Odor don't stink, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you know that Starlin, Alcides and Asdrubal are all spelled correctly, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you believe that Matt Adams losing 6-7 pounds during the off-season is like throwing a deck chair off the Titanic, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If a conversation with Jason Collette would be more interesting than one with Toni Collette, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If someone invites you to see "Kung Fu Panda" and you ask if they have box seats, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you know that the Cecchini Brothers are not characters in a mob movie, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you believe that "Rotoman" may soon become a comic book Superhero, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you think that Doug Fister and Dexter Fowler were stolen during the off-season, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you know that Conor spells it "Gillaspie" and Cole spells it "Gillespie," you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you wonder why the Mexican restaurants in Kansas City don't serve Moose Tacos, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If meeting Billy Beane is more exciting than meeting Brad Pitt, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you know the difference between Ryan Wheeler, Tim Wheeler and Zack Wheeler, you're definitely a fantasy player.
  • If you're hoping that Alex Guerrero isn't related to Pedro Guerrero, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If Ron Shandler has replaced John Grisham as your favorite author, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If it ever crossed your mind that Julio Iglesias might follow Jose Iglesias to Motown, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you've changed your name from Mike to Giancarlo, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you think Ben Revere needs to "get on his horse" this season, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you believe that because Prince Fielder and Billy Butler were the only AL players to appear in all 162 games, it means that you can eat anything you want, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If the song "Camptown Ladies" makes you think of Lucas Duda, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If someone tells you they live on Houston St. and you immediately think about saves, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you know that the word "Norichika" means "Ground Ball" in Japanese, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If you know the difference between Jarred Cosart, Kaleb Cowart and Zack Cozart, you just might be a fantasy player.
  • If your wife isn't concerned about you visiting Asian websites because she knows you're scouting prospects, you are obviously a fantasy player.

More quips from "You Just Might Be a Fantasy Baseball Player"!

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